It is tough to win back trust when it has been broken, whether in a marriage or other type of relationship. There are many ways to break trust. A spouse lies, they do not follow through with a promise made, someone engages in behavior that jeopardizes the health and welfare of the family, or they fail to fulfill a marriage vow. Whatever it may be, the journey back can be difficult in all cases. If you or someone you know is attempting to earn trust, regain trust, or both, here are some important tips to keep in mind.

Forgiveness is much easier to talk about than it is to give.
True forgiveness may take time (in fact it always does), and all parties affected need to be prepared for that. Setting realistic expectations is very important because it does not rush the process and it gives people space to work through the issues. I know this may be tough for many people to do (especially for guys), but I would strongly recommend meeting with a trusted and respected counselor, pastor or mentor who knows a thing or two about what to do when trust has been broken. By having a third party involved, they can help mediate, and help you ask the “right” questions that will increase your chances of getting to the root issues that need to be discussed. I fought against seeking out the help of others (mainly because of pride and a little embarrassment) but when I finally did, it made all the difference in the world.

Be open and patient when seeking forgiveness.
If you are the person who broke trust, you may find yourself getting a little defensive, especially if it has been a little while since what you did has occurred, and the consequences of your actions have not ended. What is important here is that you must strive to be patient. Do not badger or argue about the length of time it is taking the other person to forgive you and move one. If you do, you may give the impression that you are backing away from taking responsibility for your actions and you are not valuing the time the other person needs to heal and be able to start trusting you again. Give the other person all the time they need to express their feelings. Do not be defensive. Be transparent, honest and willing to listen, even if you do not like what you hear. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you are not reliable now, you will have difficulty winning back trust. And most importantly, pray. God can heal and restore any relationship. I have seen this firsthand. God is able to take the impossible and make it possible.

You can expect change, just be patient.
If you are the wronged party, it’s important to be mindful of the difference between forgiveness and tolerating the same behavior over and over again. It is perfectly reasonable to sincerely forgive someone while also expecting measurable change. Listen to their words. Are they taking responsibility for their actions, or making excuses? What are they willing to do to demonstrate a long-term change in behavior? Working with a trusted pastor, counselor or mentor can help the two of you to come up with a plan that works for both of you. Plans are useful tools for several reasons. They help you identify your needs. You can use them to track whether those needs are being met. You can also refer back to your plan to stay focused when discussing issues that may arise in the future.

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
Every marriage is different, and for that reason, how to win back trust is often individual to that marriage as well. I have found that what would be a hurtful breach of trust in one marriage might not even cause a ripple in another. Only you and your spouse know what is most important in your relationship, and only the two of you working together can truly repair any damage done. With a renewed honesty and humility between you and your spouse, and a shared commitment to your union and faith in God, will you be able to win back trust in your marriage, and move forward to begin experiencing the type of marriage you were meant to have.

Be encouraged my friend. If you will win at home, you will win in life!

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick