Unless you have been on a desert island for the past couple of years, you are probably familiar with the wildly popular song “let it go,” sung by Idena Menzel, from the Disney movie Frozen. Part of the lyrics to that song go, “let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore.”  Well if you are married or in a serious relationship, you know these particular words can often play out in your life, especially when you are not seeing eye to eye on something and it results in an argument. Your challenge in these situations is knowing when to just let it go.

I have found that most people enter into marriage with certain expectations. These expectations are often shaped by what we liked or did not like about the marriages we observed as children. They can also be influenced by what we have learned as adults. In reality, our expectations do not always match up in some nice package, and that is where it gets complicated, fast. After all, we all hope to have good marriages, don’t we? I believe most people understand that having a great marriage requires work and a ton of healthy communication. Being able to discuss issues before they become larger, more destructive patterns is the right thing to do, even the responsible thing to do.

However, if you’ve ever started a discussion with your spouse about something that’s irritating you, only to have it quickly escalate in a way you didn’t predict, you know that choosing which “sword to fall on” is not always easy. The result of a failed discussion like this is usually an argument that wastes far more of your day than the initial problem ever did, and ends with hurt feelings and damaged trust on both sides.

This often happens when we raise the issue immediately upon noticing it, while our emotions are still running high. The truth is, sometimes a minor nuisance like someone leaving dirty dishes in the sink bothers us disproportionately because of other difficulties we have faced that day. As an example, if your spouse is working late unexpectedly, it may have thrown off other plans, created childcare issues, and interfered with your own work or personal leisure time. All of those stressors combined are often behind the frustration you are feeling (i.e. what began with you finding dirty dishes in the sink). Your spouse, on the other hand, may have felt roped into working late, worried the entire time because they knew it was going to inconvenience you, and arrived home too exhausted to do anything but pour him or herself into bed. If you confront them then about the dirty dishes, it is not likely to go well.

In moments like this, when we want to react quickly, and you know deep down it is probably not in your best interest to do so, ask yourself, “if I just give it 24 hours, will it really ruin my life?” The bible says that it is better “to not let anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.” Coming from someone who has too often allowed toys and clothes left on the floor to affect me in a negative way, I have learned the power of taking good advice, and just “let it go” and give it some time before I respond.

You can avoid so many unnecessary arguments if you will wait to discuss emotionally charged issues when you are calm. For some this might require more than 24 hours, some less, but you get my point. Spend that time considering the bigger picture of your marriage, and the character of your spouse. Then, if it still seems like an important enough issue to still discuss, remember first all the things your spouse does right, before bringing it up. Your ability to “let it go” will increase dramatically the more you are able to believe that your spouse’s intentions are ultimately good and pure. When you do, you will find yourself less prone to point out small irritations, and more likely to notice all the good things your spouse does, which may have escaped your attention before. By viewing your spouse and your relationship through a more positive lens (and I might add godly lens), you will be calmer and freer to enjoy the things you love and appreciate about your spouse. And in the future when you genuinely have a concern, you will be surprised to see how secure and calm you are in bringing it up.

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick