When you met your spouse and fell in love, part of your excitement was discovering all the things you liked about each other. I really appreciated learning how much my wife enjoyed exercising and attending college football games. On the flip side, what is not always fun, is dealing with something that both of you do not necessarily see eye to eye on. This can cause friction in your relationship. I have found that when it comes to managing money, many couples differ on how to do it. Unfortunately, most couples do not take the opportunity to discuss this topic in any detail until a major problem occurs, and at that point, the damage has been done. The goal for your marriage should be unity and harmony, especially as it relates to managing your family’s finances. Here are three tips I have found to be helpful when you are discussing money matters.  

1. Do not avoid the conversation. One of the toughest things about navigating finances as a couple is just talking about it in the first place. We may be tired from a long week of work and parenting, so we may tend to avoid money discussions altogether. And, when we do have them, they can easily escalate into arguments — particularly if they are the result of an unpleasant surprise, like an outrageous credit card bill or the purchase of a big ticket item you knew nothing about. If you are having discussions and you are starting to feel yourself getting frustrated, do not attack your spouse personally, be disciplined to focus on coming up with a “way forward” that both of you can agree too. If you do not, it may shut down conversations altogether. Because this topic is often emotionally charged, I suggest using rephrasing during your discussions, which is simply restating what you hear your spouse saying. This helps ensure that the person listening is engaged and understanding what is being said. The result of your conversation should be to create a plan (or revisit an existing one) that helps define how you will manage your finances, what role each of you will have, and how often you will revisit your plan to determine how you are doing and if any changes need to be made.
2. Stay Positive. Have you ever thought about why you and your spouse view money differently? It may be the result of upbringing. If you earn similar amounts and work in similar industries, you may find it a little easier talking about finances and coming up with a plan. On the other hand, if one of you earns less than the other, or one of you stays home full-time to take care of the kids, this may make your discussions a little more interesting. The spouse who is the primary breadwinner may feel at times they should have more of a say in how your finances should be managed, and the other spouse might feel unduly blamed for spending decisions, especially if they’re the one doing most of the “family” spending. Let me be very clear. Your marriage is not an Autocracy. It is an equal partnership where two people work together for the good of the family. One’s ability to earn more or less money does not determine one’s worth. For this reason, make sure you are focusing not on one’s balance sheet, but rather on what they are contributing to the overall goal of the family and what you have determined together as to what matters most.
3. Play to your Strengths. This typically is understood as if one spouse is better at organizing and being more diligent to get things done in a timely manner, then they should naturally be the ones in charge of paying the bills. True, but let me offer a different spin on this. If you have chosen to have, a spouse work part-time or stay home full-time (because you can or need to) then think about this. Your spouse now has more freedom to look for deals, grocery shop, help with the kids or grandkids, manage home improvement projects, take the lead on your social calendar, prepare family meals, and bonus, is able to get away more frequently and with less hassle for family vacations. We tend to think that if a spouse is earning less, or nothing at all, then this is a weakness. However, if you will think about this from a different perspective and see all the things you actually gain, then you can start seeing your situation from a position of strength, and not a weakness.

Be encouraged my friend. If you will win at home, you will win in life!

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick