Did you realize that more than 60% of adults surveyed believe that the division of labor is very important to the success of a marriage?  In fact, the only two areas that ranked higher were fidelity and intimacy. Since most Americans today live in two-income households, the division of labor (i.e. chores, errands, responsibilities…etc.) are usually compressed into evenings and weekends, which is the same time that discussions (and sometimes heated discussions) usually come up as to who should be doing what or who is not doing their part. This may describe your family dynamics, and if so, you may be experiencing increased levels of stress and frustration. I know this issue may be a tough nut to crack but I can assure you, there are some better ways to work together and give you the peace of mind you are wanting.

1. Communicate. If you have been reading my blog for a while, it should come as no surprise that communication is vital to practically every aspect of marriage. In this case, it is all about being proactive. Someone has to initiate getting a conversation started. But please keep in mind, your conversation must not include arguing or attacking your spouse’s character. It must be solution focused and you must be respectful and willing to listen to what the other person has to say. Remember, you are a team and to be one you have to work together for the good of the family.
2. Prioritize.  Life can be hectic, and you can set yourselves up to fail by putting too many things on your division of labor list (I feel like I am preaching to me right now). Take a step back, take a deep breath and consider this, what really are your top 1-2 items that need to be done so that both of you will feel a greater sense of peace and satisfaction when they are compete?  Once you define what they are, stop there, and complete them first. If you are able to complete them, add to your list. I find that once you get a good rhythm going, and both of you are finding it easier to work together as a team, it is much easier to add to your list.
3. Volunteer.  Once you have your list defined, each of you should step up and volunteer, for what you actually do not mind doing. For me, I enjoy working in the yard, washing the dishes, picking up the kids at practices and going to the grocery store (as long as I have a list and out in 20 minutes). For my wife, she does not mind cooking, doing laundry and paying the bills. Getting to this point did not happen overnight, but overtime we were able to define what ultimately needed to be done and then we volunteered to be responsible for the areas that we either enjoyed or were willing to do.
4. Take Turns. If there are any chores, errands or responsibilities on your division of labor list that both of you dislike, I would recommend you take turns doing them. I find by doing this, you help reduce your chances of becoming resentful and pulling away from wanting to do anything else around the house. If you do this, I would strongly suggest that you establish a clear method for keeping track of whose turn it is!
5. Think outside the box.  When you got married, did you find yourself falling into the same patterns and “division of labor” you saw with your parents. Do you think husbands should bring home the” bacon” and wives should take care of the home. In general, this may work for some, but for many Americans and military families, this is not the normal. What is important to remember is that every family is different and what works for some, may not work for another. I know several families where the husband is the primary cook in the home. In these cases, the husbands absolutely love cooking and they are quite good at it. There really is no one right answer on how roles in the home must be structured. The key is to focus more on what someone enjoys, does not mind doing or is able to do based on availability, strengths and physical capacity.
6. Own it.  At the end of the day, one thing is clear: the division of labor for married couples is an important issue to get figured out. I have found that when both of you are happy with what has been agreed upon and are actively and willingly stepping up to get it done for the good of the family, it is a win. So consider moving away from any preconceived notion about which of you should do what, and instead come together and create a “system” that works best for your family.

“If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand” Mark 3:25

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick