Bringing Romance Down To Earth

When we think about falling in love, many of us use the same phrases to describe it. We talk about meeting our soul mate, about finding someone who understands us more deeply than anyone has before—almost as though they can read our minds and “just know” what we need. These ideas are very common to romantic comedy films and television shows, but studies show that they often turn up in another environment, as well: marriage counselors’ offices. Let me explain why…

It probably doesn’t help that romantic comedies are such popular date movies. “Meet cutes” (those funny scenarios in which two people sometimes literally bump into each other and fall in love) are common Friday night fare for dating and married couples. But these “fictional scenes” made to look like real relationships go from the meet cute to the happily-ever-after in 90 minutes. And we don’t get a look at daily life post-marriage at all.

Popular culture thrives on romance, but it sometimes creates unrealistic expectations when it comes to long-term relationships. We don’t consider that we might sometimes need personal space from our one true love, because characters in movies never seem to want it. We develop hurt feelings and even get into arguments without ever having given our partner the chance to change a behavior that bothers us—we expect them to read our minds.

We also develop the idea that our partner can be imperfect in silly, cute ways, but that in general, they should be almost perfect: well-dressed, funny, up for anything at any time and quick to anticipate our needs. Marriage is a covenant (a promise) that’s intended to last a lifetime. The fictional romantic relationships we see on TV and in the movies glorify the goal of understanding someone deeply, but conveniently ignore the fact that the path to this (admirable) goal involves an up-close-and-personal look at your spouse’s flaws, as well as their strengths.

Great marriages take time. Even if you had a whirlwind courtship, marriage evolves slowly, over many years of learning what to do (and what not to do), while handling everything that life can throw at you. In truth, those hard times forge a strong marriage in ways that courtship can’t even touch.

But the worst expectation romantic stories cultivate is that you should have that brand-new-relationship, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling all the time. No one can run at top speed like that forever. It’s unsustainable, especially when you’re tired from work or family obligations, or are going through a tough life transition. And in all honesty, if we felt that way all the time, it wouldn’t matter anymore. We’d stop noticing it. Those precious moments when you glance at your spouse and are stopped in your tracks mean so much more when they sneak up on you.

A married couple can be an amazing, unstoppable team. But daily life is hard work, and pop culture often leaves us feeling like it shouldn’t be. This leads us to question whether our marriages are working as they should be.

That’s why this blog often offers ways to have fun with your spouse. If we expect romance to just happen, we’re likely to be disappointed. But if we look around and think, “You know what? The two of us are doing our best, and we deserve some fun!” And you act on that thought on a consistent basis, you will discover that your romantic feelings for your spouse will actually grow. Remember, our marriages are actually much more likely to look like the vision we see in the movies when our expectations of marriage do not.

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick

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