Is your spouse driving you crazy? Isn’t it interesting how the little quirks we laughed about (or overlooked) when we were dating become annoyances once were married and dealing with mission critical issues like parenting, household chores and money? Here are some ways I have found that will help turn your differences into strengths, instead of sources of conflict.
What brought you together? What did you appreciate about your spouse when you met? For me, I really appreciated my wife’s commitment to her faith and staying healthy. She is loyal, a great listener and very encouraging. As human beings, we are often attracted to qualities we find new or “fresh”. This keeps life exciting and moving forward. In our everyday lives, however, we may have gravitated back to the way things were done (e.g. old habits) in our childhood homes. Now consider the marital differences you may be having. I would guess that more than likely some of the qualities you valued in your spouse when you first met have actually played out to your advantage in everyday life in more ways than you think. I have often needed my wife’s encouraging words, her steadfast faith and her unwavering loyalty. What I have learned is that when I “reframe the situation” and think about my situation from the right perspective, focusing more on the good rather than the few things that could be better, my entire outlook changes as well.
Your differences provide balance. While you and your spouse’s contrasting views and habits may now be leading to a few disagreements, have you considered that they might also be the very thing that makes your relationship work. Is one of you stubborn? That persistence sure pays off when it comes to things like getting an incorrect bill resolved. Maybe one of you is easily distracted, jumping from one task to the next. That same quality however might also manifest as being able to think outside the box when you are problem solving, or spontaneously taking the family out for ice cream and making a special memory. What you need to think about is those complementary traits (what you may think now as differences) are actually part of what keeps your family balanced. Can you imagine a world where everyone is like you? Do not answer that. I will speak for myself to say that my marriage and my life would be very boring if this was the case. The fact that your spouse may look at the world or handle some things a little differently than you can actually be a good thing. Try celebrating your spouse’s differences rather than trying to find fault.
Put yourself in their shoes. When your spouse’s otherwise wonderful qualities start grating on your nerves, make sure you take a minute to put yourself in their shoes. How do your best qualities look when you take them to an extreme? For example, I am definitely type A (actually a little OCD) and want everything in my life organized and in its rightful place (thank you Army). This can be a good thing, but when I take this to the extreme, I can drive everyone in my house crazy (especially my four children who will often say yes drill sergeant when I am taking things too far). Being highly organized, for example, is a terrific skill, but if you tend to be highly rigid about keeping everything in its place, you can see how that might occasionally contribute to your family’s stress. It is natural to want to focus your attention on what someone else is doing wrong, the hard thing to do (but always the best thing) is to consider what you may be doing to cause stress and disharmony in your home.
Focus on the good intentions. It is so important to remember that when you are working through differences with your spouse, that you honor the impulse (or motivation) without shaming the outcome. This means that you should appreciate what they are trying to do, even if the way they are doing it is not working out exactly as you had hoped. If your spouse for example has volunteered to make dinner and the dinner that was made is not really what you had hoped it would be, is it better to be grateful for the time and effort that was made then to ridicule them because you do not like what they made or how it tastes? My guess is, if you went over to a co-workers house for dinner and they made something that you really did not like, you probably would do everything you could do to make sure they knew how much you appreciated the effort they made to make you dinner. Assuming this is the case, why wouldn’t you also give the same courtesy to your spouse. Do you get what I am saying here?
If you are having differences, you are normal. In fact, having differences can be a very good thing. The key though is how you are handling them. Are they causing strife and division or causing you to reevaluate, refine and get better? If you put in practice what I have shared, you will be well on your way to experiencing greater harmony and oneness in your marriage and turn your differences into strengths.
God Bless,
Doug Hedrick