I am curious about something. When the stressors of life come, and your emotions are supercharged, how are you at managing this? For many, it probably depends, right, but I would guess you may tend to direct your responses (i.e. the not so good ones), more often at the people you love the most. I have always wondered why this is the case. I guess one simple answer may be because of proximity or because we tend to take them for granted. If you’re anything like me, it bothers you when you take out your frustrations on the people you love the most. Well, I have learned there is a better way at handling these situations. Here are four ideas you should try.
- Just Wait.
I am naturally an extrovert so I typically want to respond quickly when I am starting to feel irritated. It is hard to tell myself to wait before I respond. However, this is a critical step. I have found that when I am feeling like I want to react strongly, I literally have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell myself to wait. I find it also helpful to say a quick prayer and sometimes just quietly walk away. In situations like this, it is not the time to issue a grand exit statement, like “I just can’t deal with you!” If you need to explain, say “I need a minute to calm down,” or even “I need a time-out.” In an impulsive moment fueled by anger, we make pronouncements that are a hassle to follow through on, or that do not really address the issue. Taking the time to reflect helps prevent problems in the future. Trust me; it is better to give yourself and your situation a little time instead of responding in the heat of the moment and saying something that may do long-term damage.
- Recognize an Annoyance Before It Becomes Anger.
Speaking of prevention, remember the old saying, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”? It’s true. Often, when we get to the point of reacting out of anger, something has been bothering us for a while, and we hit our point of critical mass. That does not mean we are necessarily wrong when we are angry, the key is what we do with it. The Bible says, “Be angry yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” We must learn to recognize very quickly when we are beginning to feel irritated, and then deal with that irritation in a positive way. The better you are at recognizing what causes you to want to react in anger, the better you will be at knowing what it is that you need to work on.
- Set Limits.
If your children are driving you up a wall, try redirecting them to another activity, or set a limit. You should explain what will happen if the behavior continues. For example, “I know you love that show, but I could also use some quiet time. You need to keep the volume set at twelve, or we’re going to have to shut it off.” If this doesn’t succeed in diffusing the confrontation, the fact that you already know the next step can help you stay calm. You can set limits with other adults, too, by saying, “I hear that you need _______. I need about _______ minutes to do _________, and then I can take care of that.” If you have not tried this approach, you should. It really does work in most cases.
- Compromise On Conflicting Needs.
Maybe your child has been cooped up all day and is full of energy, whereas you’ve worked hard and are tired. Taking your child to the park could be a real win in that situation, because they can run and you can sit on a bench! Conflicting needs can be a big factor between spouses, too. You and your spouse might have conflicting agendas for the day and not realize it, because you haven’t had a chance to talk. “What do you need to do today or how can I help you today?” is a simple but powerful way to demonstrate that your partner’s needs are a priority for you and you are being proactive to be aware of your spouse’s needs.
Remember that having to face irritations and annoyances is a part of life. Your decision is how you choose to respond to them. By responding with patience and calmness will go a long way towards helping you stay under control in the heat of the moment.
Win at Home, Win in Life!
God Bless,
Doug Hedrick