As a member of the military past or present, you likely spend, or have spent, much time away from your family, leaving your spouse with the day-to-day task of establishing parenting ground rules for your kids. If you’re a military spouse, you’re probably used to making all of the day-to-day parenting decisions on your own without interference.

As a result, the particular challenges military families face is how to establish parenting teamwork. How do we, as husband and wife, build the loving rapport and agreement we need to be responsible, effective parents?

Establish Parenting Goals

I think we all want the best for our children. But what is “the best?” I think the first thing that has to happen for military parents is you have to decide what it is you want to achieve with your kids. What is your overall goal?

This, then, should be a key topic of discussion between you and your husband or wife. You have to have an overarching objective or goal for your kids. You need to establish a clear picture on where you want your kids to end up.

If your goal is that you want your kids to be around positive influences, then you have to establish what those specific influences are and how you’re going to achieve them. Consider some of the many things you and your spouse might disagree on: “I don’t think our kids should be allowed to hang around certain kids or go to this particular school,” “Should our kids go to church?” “What kind of music should we let them listen to?” and so on. I’m sure you can add many other topics to the list!

In Parenting: Unity is Strength

It is vitally important for parents to be somewhere close to agreement, or at least on the same page. You have to be unified or your kids will try to work both sides. We’ve all seen children do it. I know my children have tried, but my wife, Ally, and I work really hard at presenting a unified front so that our kids know their boundary lines and what we expect of them.

In my home, for instance, my wife and I want to create a safe, highly open home where our kids will feel they can talk about any issue on their mind.  We had to discuss how to enforce that goal, and together we chose several different approaches.

What Do You Want Your Family to Look Like?

For me, one specific goal was to have our kids’ electronics—iPhones, iPads, iPods, etc.—turned off by a certain time every day so that we can spend time together. Also, we have dinner together every night. I’m not saying it’s easy. Sometimes we are having dinner at 9 p.m., sometimes it’s just for 10 minutes, but if we do not protect that, we won’t achieve the goals we have as parents for our four children.

Why do we do insist on family dinners? Ally and I decided that it’s important for all of us to talk as a family, about life, about our hopes and dreams, choices and responsibilities. Eating together and establishing a close and open family atmosphere is the picture we have in our minds of how we want our family to look.

You and your husband or wife probably have your own pictures or ideas about what type of family you’d like to have. One suggestion I’d like to leave you with, then, is to discuss that picture with your spouse and decide how the two of you, through faith and God’s love, can achieve your vision for your children, family, and parenting.

God Bless,