You’re not alone if you sometimes feel that the advice out there for couples of faith, especially those in the military, can feel a little trite, a little dried up and stale. What I have learned is that often the best pieces of advice are not new, but there are fresh ways to experience it!
- Commit to Honesty: One of my best pieces of advice is to be honest with yourself about when it is and isn’t working. If you persuade yourself that everything is fine when it isn’t, things are hardly likely to get better-in fact you will usually notice things getting steadily worse. The sooner you spot and admit to problems, the sooner you can move past them. Half the work is done as soon as you admit something is wrong, so don’t be afraid to be honest.
- Aim for Effective Communication: Learn to communicate effectively. Too often relationships degenerate into accusations and fighting as the default method of interaction. Can you honestly hope for things to last if that’s how you both behave? If you have something under your skin, sit down and talk it out in a safe place and an agreed upon time. Talking about things sensibly rarely makes things worse-unlike accusations and arguing!
- Stop Focusing on Fixing Your Spouse: Understand that you can’t fix the problems in your marriage solely by fixing your partner’s behavior. A marriage is exactly that-the joining of two different people-so it’s not healthy to make one person do all the changing and adapting. I have never met a couple who both didn’t have something they could change or get better at. It’s much better to sit and talk it out and then work out how you can both make things better for each other. It’s also a lot easier this way, as each of you will usually only need to make small adjustments to keep the other happy.
- Pray for Your Spouse: Commit to ask your spouse what they are struggling with, what their fears are, what they need support in and how you can help. Take this one step further by praying specifically for these items. Christ calls us to pray for each other, especially our spouses. You will not only enjoy a closer relationship with your spouse, but your effective prayer will draw both of you closer to the Lord and give you increased strength to handle stress and anxiety that accompany a busy life.
Keeping your marriage alive is never a one person commitment—and even between two committed individuals, marriages that truly work requires both spouses working to help each other become their very best. I hope this inspires a renewed commitment to your spouse and leads to better understanding and support of each other.
God Bless,
Doug Hedrick