Communication is a skill that no couple should take for granted, and if you are a person of the Christian faith, we should be working even harder to learn how to improve our communication because we are called to build one another up. Military couples face additional challenges however with added physical distance and the emotional and spiritual stresses they experience as a result, which only compound the normal stress that comes with marriage. I want to share nine ways couples can build into each other by improving their listening skills.

When you think about it, words, in fact, have no meaning; rather we attach meaning to them through our own interpretation.  Therefore our life experience, belief system, or perceptual framework determines ‘how we hear the words.’ We often hear what we expect to hear based on our interpretation of what the words mean.

According to social scientists, verbal communication skills account for 7% of the communication process.  The other 93% consist of nonverbal and symbolic communication and are called ‘listening skills.’

Here are 9 Practical Steps for More Effective Listening

1. Talk less. God gave us one mouth and two ears – and we learn throughout Scripture that we should be slow to speak and quick to hear.
2. Get rid of distractions. If it is important for you to listen, do everything you can to eliminate internal and external noise and distractions that interfere with careful listening.
3. Don’t judge prematurely. All of us are guilty of forming snap judgements and evaluating others before hearing them out especially when the speaker’s ideas conflict with our own.
4. Look for key ideas. We think much faster than people speak. To help focus attention (rather than drift off in boredom) extract the central idea.
5. Ask sincere questions. ‘Devil’s advocate’ questions are really statements or criticisms in disguise. Sincere questions are requests for new information that clarifies a speaker’s thoughts or feelings.
6. Paraphrase. Reword the speaker’s thoughts in your own words to make sure your interpretation as a listener is accurate.
7. Suspend your own agenda. In other words, while you are listening, concentrate on what the speaker is saying not what you think.
8. Empathic listening. Empathic listening is knowing that given the same set of circumstances you might have done the same thing. It is the ability to experience the world from the other’s point of view.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree, but that you understand.
9. Open your heart with love. Often we listen to score points and make ourselves right and the other person wrong. When we open our hearts to each other, we do so with the belief that we are all the same.  We have the same feelings, fears, and hurts: doing the best we can with what we know.

How are you doing at communicating with your spouse? Are you developing empathy? Are you suspending your agenda? Christ teaches to consider others higher than ourselves, and this includes your spouse.  By applying these listening principles to your conversation, you can expect to see your relationship improve.