A few years ago, I had one of those moments that I wish I could have called a re-do. My marriage was just so-so, going through the motions and we were not communicating very well. So in a moment of frustration I said to my wife, if all we have to talk about anymore is the kids’ schedule and what is going on in their lives, then spare me the “small talk” and just email me their calendar instead. I was sick of the “small talk.” Sound familiar?

My story may be your story. In fact, it is many people’s stories. Have you noticed though how easy it is to let days go by without having a real conversation with your spouse? Between work, kids, and activities we can end up being limited to texting back and forth as opposed to having a real conversation (this was us). Over time, we may not notice anything missing in our relationship, but eventually it shows up. It shows up by us feeling disconnected from each other and in those moments when we would normally have no problem managing disagreements, but they all of sudden become a huge deal.

Did you know that studies show that couples who chat about things besides the house, bills, and the kids have healthier marriages? This is probably because when we are having meaningful conversations (even if brief), about genuine topics, you are making genuine connections more often.

For this reason, I had to move beyond the misconception that engaging in “small talk” is inherently bad and confined to topics such as the weather and the kid’s schedule. If you want to have “small talk” discussion about what you define as a trivial topic, that is perfectly fine if you both of you are okay with it. I have recently discovered that couples who participate in “small talk,” beyond the weather and the kid’s schedule, actually leads to deep conversations, even when the conversations are relatively short.

These next few tips may seem overly simplistic but they work. One way to maximize small talk is to keep your questions and statements open-ended. For example, instead of asking, “How was work today?” which is easily answered with a yes or a no, say instead, “tell me about work today.” Say things to show interest as the conversation goes on, especially if the two of you are working on dinner or folding laundry while you talk. “Mmm-hmm” will not cut it. Say something more, like “Are you serious?” Repeat or rephrase what you just heard. Or ask, “Then what happened?”

Explore it, don’t necessarily fix it. The goal here is to keep things relatively light, not to turn a simple chat into a rant session—and frankly, if your spouse is sharing something negative, they may already know what they need to do, or that nothing can be done at the moment. They just need you to listen. First, seek to understand then take the opportunity to dive deeper if time and your spouse allows. For example, a quick chat about the neighbors’ troubles can sometimes evolve into sharing what you both value and appreciate about your own marriage.

The more you chat, the more you want to share. Practice makes perfect. Sometimes we get out of the practice of having conversations, even brief ones. I find the more I engage in a simple chat with my spouse, the more we chat. And the more we chat, the longer our chats become.

Opposites attract. It is a known fact that many times, extroverts marry introverts, and introverts marry extroverts. If this describes your marriage, one tool that is very useful during a chat is the concept of “step up/step back”. If you are more of the talkative person to begin with, train yourself to “step back” and leave some quiet space for your spouse to speak. Put your hand over your mouth if that helps. If, on the other hand, you tend to be quiet and give one-word answers, you will need to “step up” and force yourself to speak up and share more. I find introverts do better if they are talking about a topic that interests them or have been asked a series of good open-ended question that pushes them to share more.

The bottom line with all of this is to have a meaningful connection with your spouse. You may not always believe it but you married an interesting person (I know this because God created them), and he or she continues to grow and change right under your nose. Engaging in small talk is a great way to connect with your spouse and for the two of you to remember how much you enjoy the company of the person you married.

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick

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